Solve your problems first
I always tell couples to try to solve their problems themselves. The idea behind this advice is to help them deal with issues without involving a third party. Till today, this advice is still valid to some degree. Marriage is supposed to be a relationship between two matured individuals and I believe that if you are old enough to get married, you should be old enough to handle your marital differences. If you are old enough to get married, you should be old enough to handle your problems. I know there are some that may be wondering right now, “is it possible for couples to live together without having a third party intervene when they have issues?” the answer is an emphatic yes. The challenge however is that very few couples can really deal with the challenges that come with being married.
No marriage is free from differences
The truth be told, there is no marriage anywhere on the face of the earth that is argument, disagreement, misunderstanding and quarrel proof. Marriages just don’t work just because you are married to the best man or woman in the world; marriages work because you work it. Go ask married people and they will tell you the conscious, everyday effort that goes into making a marriage work. There are no perfect marriages anywhere because there are no perfect people anywhere. Someone said that marriage is about two imperfect people creating perfect moments; I agree. If you get into marriage thinking you would never have disagreements, I welcome you to the fool’s paradise. The real challenge with having disagreements in marriage are not the disagreements, but the way we handle, manage or settle those disagreements.
I have attended several weddings and almost in all of them the counsel you get from the person who chairs the occasion and well wishers to the newlyweds’ sounds like a broken record and it is, “solve your problems yourselves.” There is nothing wrong with this advice; the problem though is that it seems to be an exception rather than the norm. Most marriages are under a lot of strain today that it seems hard for some couples to go through a day, week, month or year without a major falling out. Disagreements, abuses, domestic violence and even death are now the new normal. It is now an oddity in our day to hear that a couple went through the year without fighting. When you walk past some homes all you hear are invectives, screams and threats from the spouses; it is that terrible. In some homes, it may be quiet but the situation could be worse.
Now, there are situations where you don’t have to keep quiet. There are situations where you don’t just hold it in and wish it all away. There are situations where you don’t have to go to sleep and wish it was all a nightmare that would just disappear. There are situations where you have to speak out. Now you don’t have to go telling everybody you meet about your marital problems because you may end up talking to the wrong person.
In this article our focus is on the situations that make it imperative for you to talk to a third party. Here they are.
If it affects your health
If you are in a marriage or relationship where the strain from your spouse is beginning to affect your health, you have to get help fast. If it is the problem associated with abuses, neglect, threats or physical abuses that is causing the health problems, you have to speak out. You have to look for a dependable third party to talk to. Never take your health for granted. A lot of spouses have died in silence because they didn’t want to be stigmatized or because they were afraid of their spouse; this is particularly true of women.
Your life is threatened
There are times when couples quarrel and it may even get heated up; but if during one of those times your spouse threatens to beat you, injure you or kill you, then you have to speak up; you have to talk to a reliable third party. Don’t wait till you are injured or killed before speaking out.
Affects your job or business
Sometimes the abuses and strains people get from their spouses can affect their jobs and businesses. If the problems you are getting from your spouse affects your productivity in your job or business, you need to understand that there is an underlining issue you have not addressed. Emotional instability can affect people physically and that in turn will affect their productivity. If this happens to you, you need to reach out to a third party you trust and who can help you.
Emotional instability is profound. It can lead to a lot of serious health and psychological issues if not addressed. The moment you realize that you are emotionally unstable and it is associated to the problems you are having with your spouse, you need to consult a medical practitioner and any group or third party that can help you.
If you are being physically assaulted and abused by your spouse, report to the police. In addition, you may have to get other people involved. These people may be a professional marriage and relationship counselor or someone you really can confide in.
There are times when you have to get third parties involved in your marriage. But make sure that they are unbiased and not the ones that will use it against you in the future.