Since news broke that alternative music singer, Adekunle Gold (Adekunle kosoko), and soprano voiced musician, Simi (Simisola bolatito ogunleye) may be in a romantic relationship, everyone has been patiently waiting for a confirmation or a denial. From the moment rumor started flying, everyone thought they would make a fine couple, although at some point people became a bit confuse if Simi was going to end up with falz (Folarin Falana) due to music collaboration done by both personalities.
But it was finally confirmed that the rumor between Simi and Adekunle Gold were true as the couple tied the knot some days ago.
Although,before the wedding ceremony ,series of clues were pieced together to finally unveil the truth about their relationship; one of which was Simi’s public profession of love for Adekunle Gold after he came out to support her at her annual concert held in December 2018. Adekunle Gold also hinted that they were in love when he stated on Twitter that Simi would continue to be the woman after his heart, after her support during his three days concert in December also.
Even after all the public profession and a video clip of the couple dancing on their wedding day many were still unsure if the singers were truly married, due to the fact that the wedding was done in a very low key manner with about 300 guest in attendance and there was no white wedding done just traditional rites with little or no pictures seen. Thus, making some people to be of the opinion that Simi is likely to be pregnant or it might just be a publicity stunt. So therefore in other to prove to everyone and clear all possible doubts about their new status they recently reassured each other of their undying love. Adekunle Gold who recently released a new song, ‘Promise’, featuring Simi, posted the art work of the single on his Instagram page with the caption; “Promise me you’ll grow old with me and ride with me till the sun goes down”, to which Simi replied him on her own Instagram page saying; “I’ll ride with you till we’re a hundred and forty four.”Meanwhile they are currently on their honey moon in south Africa pictures of the couple spending time together has been seen on both of their Instagram pages.
Simi met Adekunle Gold while performing at an event center in Lagos. Unknown to her, he has been listening to her since she was a gospel artiste and he said he has been a fan of her music. At that time, she just knew him as a graphic artist, popularly referred to as the ‘King of Photoshop;’ she didn’t even know he was a singer, they became close from there and now the rest is history.
We wish the newly wedded couples a blissful life time together and we hope that they are able to navigate the hurdles that comes with celebrity marriages but we are hopeful they would since they were able to keep their relationship a secret.
For more articles follow us on our Instagram page @two_b_one
Everybody wants to be accepted
Who doesn’t want to be loved, appreciated and accepted? Everybody wants to be loved, everybody needs to be loved and that’s a fact. Being loved and being accepted and being appreciated are the purest and most delightful situation that anybody would love to be in, especially if they come from the ones we love and who love us. A husband’s delight is to be loved and accepted by his wife, and a wife’s delight is to be loved and accepted by her husband. What makes marriages and relationship worth it all is if the ones we are involved with accept, appreciate and love us back. There is an old song (I can’t remember who the singer is right now) with a line that goes thus, “it’s so good, loving somebody when that somebody loves you back.” This line in this song is supposed to be the experience of many wives and husbands, but unfortunately, it’s not exactly like this. There are countless women and men that are dealing with rejection from the ones they are in a relationship with or are married to. Feeling rejected by your spouse, fiancé or fiancée is a terrible feeling.
Marriage and acceptance
Marriage is supposed to be a union of two people who accept, appreciate and love each other. It is supposed to be a relationship of two people who value each other. If acceptance, appreciation and love are not involved in a relationship or marriage, then it is not worth it. If people who are just friends and family members could be accepted by people around them, why shouldn’t the ones we marry or are in a relationship with not accept, appreciate and love us? There may be times when communication breaks down in a marriage or relationship; there may be times when it seems as if all is not well in a relationship or marriage, but that should never lead to rejecting our spouses. There may be times of turbulence in a marriage or relationship, but that shouldn’t lead to a spouse rejecting another spouse. It is possible for a spouse not to be aware that what they are doing or not doing is making their spouse feel rejected. There are spouses who may be going through some private struggles, and because of that, they unintentionally withdraw from their spouse. Now, if the other spouse is not aware, or does not ask questions, they may erroneously conclude that they are being rejected by their spouse.
One of the definitions of rejection by Cambridge dictionary that is apt for this article is, “the act of not giving someone the love and attention they want and expect.” By this definition alone, it becomes easier to understand why a couple that feels rejected feels the way they do. Being rejected is one of the worst things any man or woman could ever experience because it makes you feel worthless and insignificant. Rejection destroys self esteem and creates insecurity in the one that has been rejected. Rejection opens the one that has been rejected to manipulations from the one who is rejecting. There are spouses, fiancés, and fiancées who have committed suicide because they were rejected by the ones they were either married to or the one they were in a relationship with. I have heard of some people becoming depressed because they were rejected by their husbands or their wives or the one they were in a relationship with. There are many people who are just existing in a relationship or marriage. Such people are confused and don’t know who and where to turn to. Some spouses, especially the women have suffered serious emotional, psychological or nervous breakdown because of this issue of rejection.
I have been accused by my wife sometimes of rejecting her; yet, I never had a clue what was going on. Women and men perceive rejection differently. For women, rejection is mostly about emotional intimacy, while for men it’s more of physical intimacy. The issue of feelings of rejection is one that must be dealt with quickly, because if it is not dealt with quickly, it could lead to other consequences. When you begin to feel rejected, there are practical steps you must take.
Ask and find out
You have to find out from your spouse if anything is wrong. Find out in a loving manner if there is any kind of issues they are dealing with that you are not aware of. Sometimes, demands at work, business, career or even academics, if they are studying can make people a bit withdrawn. Do not just draw up conclusions without understanding or knowing what your spouse is going through. They may be going through something that you are not aware of; it may even have to do with their health or finances. It may even be that they cheated and are regretting it. Also find out from your spouse if there is anything you’ve done or said that may have contributed to them being withdrawn. Whatever it is, just ask.
Let them know about your worries and insecurities
Look for an appropriate time, place and occasion to explain your worries and fears to your spouse. It may even be possible that your spouse is not withdrawing from you deliberately. It may even be possible that they are not even aware that they have withdrawn from you. Explain to your spouse how their actions or inactions are affecting you. Let them know how you feel. This is not the time to start accusing them or trying to blackmail your spouse. It is not the time to nag or complain.
Depending on the feedback you get from your spouse, if they actually have some personal struggles they are going through, then you have to show empathy. Let your spouse know that you care about them and that you understand the struggle they are going through (if they are going through any sort of struggle). Offer to help if there is really anything you can do.
One more step you must also take is to make sure that you don’t wait for matters to deteriorate next time before you ask your spouse
Solve your problems first
I always tell couples to try to solve their problems themselves. The idea behind this advice is to help them deal with issues without involving a third party. Till today, this advice is still valid to some degree. Marriage is supposed to be a relationship between two matured individuals and I believe that if you are old enough to get married, you should be old enough to handle your marital differences. If you are old enough to get married, you should be old enough to handle your problems. I know there are some that may be wondering right now, “is it possible for couples to live together without having a third party intervene when they have issues?” the answer is an emphatic yes. The challenge however is that very few couples can really deal with the challenges that come with being married.
No marriage is free from differences
The truth be told, there is no marriage anywhere on the face of the earth that is argument, disagreement, misunderstanding and quarrel proof. Marriages just don’t work just because you are married to the best man or woman in the world; marriages work because you work it. Go ask married people and they will tell you the conscious, everyday effort that goes into making a marriage work. There are no perfect marriages anywhere because there are no perfect people anywhere. Someone said that marriage is about two imperfect people creating perfect moments; I agree. If you get into marriage thinking you would never have disagreements, I welcome you to the fool’s paradise. The real challenge with having disagreements in marriage are not the disagreements, but the way we handle, manage or settle those disagreements.
I have attended several weddings and almost in all of them the counsel you get from the person who chairs the occasion and well wishers to the newlyweds’ sounds like a broken record and it is, “solve your problems yourselves.” There is nothing wrong with this advice; the problem though is that it seems to be an exception rather than the norm. Most marriages are under a lot of strain today that it seems hard for some couples to go through a day, week, month or year without a major falling out. Disagreements, abuses, domestic violence and even death are now the new normal. It is now an oddity in our day to hear that a couple went through the year without fighting. When you walk past some homes all you hear are invectives, screams and threats from the spouses; it is that terrible. In some homes, it may be quiet but the situation could be worse.
Now, there are situations where you don’t have to keep quiet. There are situations where you don’t just hold it in and wish it all away. There are situations where you don’t have to go to sleep and wish it was all a nightmare that would just disappear. There are situations where you have to speak out. Now you don’t have to go telling everybody you meet about your marital problems because you may end up talking to the wrong person.
In this article our focus is on the situations that make it imperative for you to talk to a third party. Here they are.
If it affects your health
If you are in a marriage or relationship where the strain from your spouse is beginning to affect your health, you have to get help fast. If it is the problem associated with abuses, neglect, threats or physical abuses that is causing the health problems, you have to speak out. You have to look for a dependable third party to talk to. Never take your health for granted. A lot of spouses have died in silence because they didn’t want to be stigmatized or because they were afraid of their spouse; this is particularly true of women.
Your life is threatened
There are times when couples quarrel and it may even get heated up; but if during one of those times your spouse threatens to beat you, injure you or kill you, then you have to speak up; you have to talk to a reliable third party. Don’t wait till you are injured or killed before speaking out.
Affects your job or business
Sometimes the abuses and strains people get from their spouses can affect their jobs and businesses. If the problems you are getting from your spouse affects your productivity in your job or business, you need to understand that there is an underlining issue you have not addressed. Emotional instability can affect people physically and that in turn will affect their productivity. If this happens to you, you need to reach out to a third party you trust and who can help you.
Emotional instability is profound. It can lead to a lot of serious health and psychological issues if not addressed. The moment you realize that you are emotionally unstable and it is associated to the problems you are having with your spouse, you need to consult a medical practitioner and any group or third party that can help you.
If you are being physically assaulted and abused by your spouse, report to the police. In addition, you may have to get other people involved. These people may be a professional marriage and relationship counselor or someone you really can confide in.
There are times when you have to get third parties involved in your marriage. But make sure that they are unbiased and not the ones that will use it against you in the future.
Marriage is actually a two party affair. It is a union of two separate and complete individuals who decide to come together to start a family. Marriage needs a lot of work to make it work. Those who consciously work on their marriage everyday are usually the ones that end up having better marriages. If you think you will get into marriage and have a cruise, you need to think again. No matter how good the people involved in a marriage are, no matter how matured they are, their marriage will still face challenges. There will always be moments of frustration, despair, anger, disagreements and fights in every marriage no matter how good.
There is not a single marriage anywhere in the whole wide world that is completely free from fights, disagreements, quarrels, arguments and domestic violence. Not all marriages experience domestic violence, but all marriages will definitely experience one or more of the others at some point. These things happen sometimes even when we don’t want them to; and when they do happen, it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with us or our spouse. The challenges we have with our spouses are not really the problem but the way we deal with those challenges when they do arise. In our day, it is almost an oddity if you hear of a couple who never get to have disagreements. In fact, when you get married, it is not a matter of will you ever have disagreements; it is a question of when you will get to have those disagreements.
My advice to every couple I have had the opportunity to talk to or counsel is to solve their problems themselves. I simply believe that marriage is for matured people and if you are matured enough to get married, you should be matured enough to handle your own business. While this may be the ideal situation, it seldom is. The truth is that every marriage needs a support system. Every marriage needs at least a reliable and dependable counselor that will help it thrive. It is becoming really difficult today for marriages couples to handle their relationship issues alone.
The strains on marriages today are enormous. Marriages are facing more challenges today than marriages, forty, fifty years ago. The divorce rate today is alarmingly high. Some experts put divorce rate in countries like the USA at an alarming 50%. This trend of rising divorce rate has been observed in almost all cultures, races and religious groups. With all of these challenges that couples today have to contend with, it is imperative that they get people or somebody they can rely on to help guide and counsel them in their marriages. But before couples decide who they let counsel them, there are certain factors they must consider. Everybody doesn’t have to counsel you and you don’t have to go telling everybody you meet the problems you are having with your spouse and marriage. The counsel you get can make all the difference, so you need to be careful. The factors you have to consider are listed below:
This is certainly the least important factor you have to consider when it comes to choosing who counsels you. Yes, it is true that there is no direct correlation between age and wisdom, but there is a correlation between age and experience. You really don’t want to be asking a young, unmarried person advice on how to run your marriage. There may be a few exceptional young and wise people out there who can give you counsel on marriage, but imagine you asking a sixteen year old for advice on how to handle sex issues in your marriage?
Religion is very important in choosing who counsels you because most of us are religious. Each religion has certain practices and values it espouses and most people who are religious have come to accept these things as truth. Because of our religiosity, most people do not want to do what their religion does not teach; so you need to get someone who believes the same thing you believe. One thing I am used to now is clients and people asking me about my religion before they open up to tell me certain things. Imagine that you practice a religion where you are taught that it is wrong to have multiple partners and the person counseling you does not see anything wrong with it?
Culture is also important. Though people are basically the same, there are differences that have set in as a result of the culture we were brought up under. Culture affects so many areas of our life and marriage is one major area where culture has a huge influence. In all cultures, there are certain things that are acceptable and there are things that are not acceptable. Just recently, I had to counsel a couple who had issues based on certain traditional marriage rites. It was a lot easier for me to guide that couple because I was conversant with their marriage customs.
Most people feel comfortable confiding in people they know, some don’t. Familiarity can work to your advantage and then it could also work to your disadvantage. It could be to your advantage because the person may have inside knowledge about what is going on and may know the truth of the matter. It could work to your disadvantage because the person who knows you very well may be biased and may already have a preconceived counsel.
Experience is very important when it comes to choosing who counsels you because experience doesn’t come cheap. Get someone who has been counseling couples with successful outcomes. Go to someone who is married and has gone through the stuff you are dealing with and has made a success of their situation. I recommend you watch that movie, “WAR ROOM.”
When it comes to settling issues between people, especially couples, go to someone who is neutral. Go to someone who really doesn’t know you and is less likely to take sides. Go to someone who will not be swayed by their closeness to you or your spouse.
This is also an important component you have to consider. Make sure that who you consult is someone that will not expose whatever you tell them. Many couples and spouses have been left embarrassed when what they told family, friends and members of their religious organizations about their marriage got leaked to other people. This is the reason you have to get a professional counselor who for ethical reasons will not divulge what you share with them to others.
Sometimes, you and your spouse have to get counseling when it comes to your marriage or relationship. The counseling does not have to be only when you have issues, but also when you have certain concerns or need guidance. You also have to be careful who counsels you because their counsel can make all the world of difference.
Marriage is all about two becoming one. What this simply means is that you no longer live as two separate beings, but as one. It means that you no longer think about yourself, you now think about your spouse. It means that in all that you do, the interest of your spouse must be paramount. It simply means that in all that you do, your spouse must be factored in it. In fact, in marriage, you are supposed to consider your spouse first before yourself. Marriage is about sacrificing for that man, that woman you said “I do” to. You are supposed to work towards what will benefit both of you. In marriage, you should always think how what you do or say will affect your spouse.
What benefits your spouse will eventually benefit you. If your spouse is happy, you will eventually get a rub off of their happiness. If your spouse is sad, it will affect you eventually. Though it is true that each person is responsible for their happiness, you can make it easier for your spouse or more difficult by the way you treat them. No relationship or marriage can thrive with selfishness. If one spouse is selfish and the other selfless, the relationship will be lopsided and will have some problems. When both spouses are selfish, the marriage is going to be a total disaster and will certainly end in a divorce. But when both spouses are selfless, the marriage will flourish and be blissful.
I know that some spouses can be difficult to live with. I know some can be loving today and very hateful the next. I know that it can be difficult to be selfless towards a spouse who is selfish. I know how tough it can be to care for someone who does not care about you. I know that some people out there can have mood swings like a yoyo, but you don’t have to be like them; you can be different. Selfishness is at the heart of every separation, divorce, fights, arguments and physical or verbal abuses. Selfishness is at the core of being resentful and uncompromising. Selfishness is at the core of deliberately denying a spouse of sex or giving them the silent treatment. Selfishness is destructive; very destructive.
I know of people who keep good things away from their spouse because of selfishness. I know of people who do not want their spouse to prosper because of selfishness. Selfishness must not be given any space to thrive in a relationship or marriage that wants to thrive.
The thought of a selfish spouse is always about me, myself and I, and these is the unholy trinity. A Selfish spouse is a loner, only thinking about what is in it for them. A Selfish spouse is always asking, “What about me?” Selfish people stink like rotten fish. You can never be successful or a good spouse if you are selfish. Anything that puts you at the centre of as the number one consideration is selfishness. Is there are perfect spouse out there? No! We all display selfishness from time to time, but to live perpetually selfish is what destroys marriages and relationship.
Selfishness and divorce
The more selfish spouses become, the marriage will suffer and is almost certain to end in a divorce. The more selfless spouses become, the marriage will flourish and be full of love. If just one of the spouses is selfish, the marriage may still work out, but will certainly have serious issues. All the divorces that have ever occurred is because of selfishness. When a spouse or both spouses are constantly thinking about themselves and how it is the other person that must adapt to them and what they want and need, they begin to amplify every little thing the other person does that is wrong and hardly ever gives them credit for whatever they say or do right.
Selfishness and giving
A selfish spouse finds it difficult to give. A selfish spouse will give only when they feel it’s convenient or when they have excess. A selfish spouse will only give as a duty or to fulfill all righteousness. A selfish spouse finds it difficult to give sacrificially. Selfish spouses also give with an aim of getting something in return; for them, there will always be strings attached. A selfish person is ruled by their emotions. They give when they are happy and when they are said, it becomes very difficult for them to give. Selfish spouses know how to keep a record of what they’ve given to you. Selfish spouses never want to out give; for them, their spouse should out give them.
Selfishness and manipulation
Selfish people are very manipulative people. Do you know that emotional blackmail and manipulation are direct symptoms of selfishness? Do you know that controlling people is also a sign of selfishness? When a person is selfish, they try to blackmail their spouse through emotions so they will be absolved of any blame and their spouse takes all the blames. When we talk about emotional blackmail, most people think of women, but the truth is that men also emotionally blackmail their spouses. While women usually use tears and sadness to emotionally blackmail their husbands, men use anger to blackmail and control their wives. When a person is selfish, they try to control their spouses. They always want to be in control of everything, depriving their spouses their right to individuality and right to chose.
Selfishness and apology
Selfish people do not like to apologize, even when they do, it is to make them look good. Some spouses do not apologize out of sincerity; they apologize so they can make reference to it later. Ordinarily, selfish spouses will never apologize because they never want to admit that they are wrong. For a selfish spouse, apologizing shows they were wrong and it makes them feel weak. A selfish person does not want to admit they’ve done wrong because selfish people have massive egos.
Selfishness and entitlement
A selfish spouse feels entitled. They feel they should always be at the receiving end. Whatever you give them, they feel they are entitled and that’s why they find it difficult to say thank you.
For couples to enjoy that giving and receiving balance in a loving marriage or relationship, they need to become more and more selfless by seeking ways they can do each other good without expecting in return. When couples live, committed towards making each other’s lives beautiful, they will begin to enjoy their marriage or relationship.
People have different definitions and ideas of what a marriage or relationship is. Some do not even know what it is all about. While for some, they are so confused that they even avoid the topic. The truth however is that marriage and relationship can only be defined by the two people involved. Here in this particular piece, I present to you some popular and some not so popular marriage and relationship quotes. Some you may be familiar with and some, you may not be familiar with. Some, you agree with and some, you may not agree with. Some of them will make you laugh and some may make you shake your head. But whichever you choose, just enjoy the read.
- True love stands by each other’s side on good days and stands closer on bad days.
- A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
- Never marry the one you can live with, marry the one you cannot live without.
- Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
- To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to be loved by the person you love is everything.
- Marriage is a gift from God to us. The quality of our marriage is our gift to Him.
- If you live to be a hundred, I wish to live a hundred minus one, so I never have to live without you.
- Marriage cannot thrive on the leftover attention. It has to get the best effort!
- Always strive to give your spouse the very best of yourself; not what’s left over after you have given your best to everyone.
- Marriage does not guarantee you will be together forever, it’s only paper. It takes love, respect, trust, understanding, friendship, and faith in your relationship to make it last.
- Marriage is not 50-50, divorce is 50-50. Marriage is 100-100 – it isn’t dividing everything in half but giving everything that you have got.
- I vow to always love you, even during the football season!
- The most successful marriages are those where both husband and wife seek to build the self-esteem of the other.
- A great marriage doesn’t happen when the “perfect couple” gets together. It happens when an imperfect couple gets together and learns to enjoy each other’s differences.
- A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, with the same person.
- A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.
- The greatest marriages are built on teamwork, a mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace.
- Make your marriage your own. Don’t look at other marriages and wish you had something else. Work to shape your marriage so that it is satisfying for both of you.
- Don’t ever stop dating your wife and don’t ever stop flirting with your husband.
- Real couples stay faithful. They don’t even think about looking for another because they are too busy looking for ways t29. To couples that are meant to be are the ones who go through everything that’s designed to tear them apart and come out stronger than ever before.
- Marriage should be a love story that never ends.
- Loving your husband through the hard times, through the valleys, and when he is unlovable, reveals the gospel in us.
- A great marriage doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building that love until the end.
- I choose you. And I’ll continue choosing you over and over again, in a heartbeat. I’ll always choose you.
- A strong marriage requires you to love each other, especially on days when you’re struggling to like each other.
- Your marriage vows are most important in those moments, when they are most difficult to keep.
- I want the kind of marriage that makes my kids want to get married.
- “There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.”
- What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life–to strength each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?
These are some of the beautiful quotes on marriage you can enjoy. Go ahead and add yours.
The person you are with now
You cannot eat your cake and still have it. Do you know that the reason some are experiencing delays in getting married is the person they are with right now? This may shock some people but that is the truth. What’s the point in being in a relationship that is not progressing? What’s the point in being in a relationship that you know will not lead you to the altar, though that’s what you desire? I know of a family friend who was involved with a guy for over ten years and they still ended up not getting married.
When you are ready to get married, you need to get yourself a serious committed person who is not just in it for the ride. There are people who wish they could propose to you but are staying away because from the outside they think you are in a committed relationship. If you don’t want to keep staying in a relationship that has gone by its ‘sell by date,’ and acting as a hindrance, you have to be brave enough to let that leach go.
Expectations and responsibilities
There are a lot of young men and women out there from poor homes who were sent to school by parents or family members who pulled resources together and then told that they have to graduate, get a job and take care of their siblings and their parents first before they ever think of marriage. We see and hear of things like this every day. How do you expect such a young man or woman to get married on time? Sometimes, out of guilt or sense of duty, a young man or woman may deliberately delay marriage so they could take care of their siblings or parents. Some first sons and daughters, especially from poor or middle income families are expected to first “raise” their families before getting married. I have so many of such cases around me.
Fear of commitment
A lot of people are becoming afraid of committing to any relationship. A lot of the relationships we have today are just superficial. If you think that it is only men who are afraid of commitment, you are mistaken. A lot of videos have surfaced on social media where a lot of guys who tried to propose to their fiancés got the shocks of their lives. For some reasons, people are no longer as committed to relationships like it used to be back in the day. People just feel comfortable to just co-habit. Some are just comfortable with just having someone they can have sex whenever they want. Some people may be afraid of commitment because they are afraid of the responsibilities that come with marriage. Some may be afraid of losing their independence. For some, it may be that they really do not understand what marriage is all about.
Most children from broken homes seem to have a difficult time believing in marriage. Some have a phobia for marriage because of what they experienced in their parents’ marriage or what they experienced in their own previous marriage. There are women who find it difficult to relate with men because of some sad experiences like rape and other forms of abuse. Some people who have these kinds of experience a hyper sensitive and never seem to be able to keep a steady relationship for long. They find faults so easily in their partner and are always ready to walk out of the relationship at the slightest provocation.
Religion is putting so many burdens on people who want to get married today. Some religious organizations are actually responsible for the delays some of their members experience. Some of these religious organizations have strict laws and rules that makes the law of Moses look so good. Some of these religious organizations require you to follow some strict protocols that may take you years before your marriage is approved. They demand you take some classes on marriage and other ones not related before you get married. Some of these classes may take several months to complete. Some even demand that you have no contact with the one you are planning to marry except in the organizations premises. Some even tell you dates you can’t marry in and how you can’t do it.
I heard a story of a man’s wedding that was suspended indefinitely because the marriage committee of this particular religious organization found out the man bought a gift for his fiancé and gave it to her without their consent. In another instance, a brother was declared not ready for marriage by the marriage committee members because he went to grab something to eat within the organizations premises while the marriage committee sat for hours without even telling him anything. To make it worse, this man had travelled from one city to another for this meeting with the marriage committee. The man travelled a distance of over 600 kilometers and spent some good naira. Again, the insistence by some religious organizations that you must have an English wedding before they recognize your marriage is absolutely an absurdity.
There some tribes that make getting married so cumbersome that you have to spend years saving just to marry. Some of these tribes have a list they give to the man for the marriage. The cost of the items on the list could run into millions of naira. Aside these items, the prospective groom will be expected to incur extra costs taking care of guests for the wedding. On the wedding day proper, the man will still be expected to spend more money. Then in some places, the bride price could be so annoying and prohibitive. No wonder, some years ago, some women from a particular tribe protested against their traditional leaders, demanding they bring down the cost of wedding. This happened because the women realized that men were put off marrying women from that particular area. The women also realized that they were getting very old before getting married.
In Nigeria in particular, people do basically three different weddings. Court, traditional and English or church wedding/Islamic wedding are a norm. A lot of the times it is family and religious organizations that put the man and woman through this. Then there is also the introduction (where families meet) that is more of a wedding these days. I witnessed an introduction some years ago that could have easily passed for a full fledged wedding.
There may be other reasons that could lead to delay in getting married, but these ones will give you a vivid picture why we are experiencing this phenomenon more than ever before.
There are a lot of men and women out there who are willing to get married but just can’t find people who are good enough or even ready to get married. There are a lot of people out there who have been searching high and low and all around for a suitable mate to marry but to no avail. Some have done all sorts, consulted all sorts and visited several places just so they can get married to no avail. There are even some who have become so desperate that they offer themselves to every Tom, Dick and Harry if they are women and for some men, they have made themselves available to every Jane, Mary and Susie to no avail. Some have even gone spiritual having believed that there must be some spiritual force somewhere behind the delay they experience in getting married.
Out there, some have made marriage a mystery and a lot have believed that marriage is a mystery. The truth is that if you believe that marriage is a mystery, then it will be one for you. If you think that you have to be hyper spiritual to find a mate, it’s going to be a bit more difficult for you. There are people who are getting married by the day and making a success of it. It is this misconception of what causes delay in getting married that is responsible for the delays most people still experience today. Truth be said, time has changed and society has changed with it. Expectations too have changed with time.
Years ago, it wasn’t uncommon to see young men and women in their early, mid and late twenties getting married. It wasn’t also uncommon to see teenagers getting married. This was the expectation and reality then; now, a lot has changed. I visited a marriage registry a few years ago and went straight to their marriage notice board. I hardly found any man below the age of thirty. I saw some men and women who were getting married for the first time in their forties and fifties. In my father’s generation, if any man married in his forties or fifties, it was either he was marrying a second or third wife or he was marrying for the second time. If any man married for the first time in his late thirties, forties or fifties, they considered that person abnormal.
If as a woman you were not married before your late twenties in my mother’s days, you were either considered cursed or a whore; it was that bad. If you were not married before your thirties in those days, you were stigmatized. Though some societies still stigmatize people who do not marry when expected, especially women; it is not as terrible as it used to be. It is this expectation and pressure from family, friends, colleagues, neighbours and society at large that is responsible for the stress a lot of single people suffer. Times have changed and this is the reality that we must live with. Values and expectations have changed and it is certainly affecting a lot of things including marriage.
There are a lot of reasons some people find it difficult to marry and this is what this article seeks to address. This article will help you realize that nothing is really wrong with you and it will help you position yourself while you enjoy your singlehood.
A lot of the times the problem that is responsible for the delay in marriage we seek to identify and the solution we seek to that delay could be closer home than some of us think. Sometimes all you need to do is look in the mirror and you will find the problem and solution that you’ve been looking for. Sometimes we are the reason for our own delay in getting married. I know some may be asking, “What is wrong with me?” and some may even be comparing themselves with someone they think they are better than. You see, you have to understand that life doesn’t work that way. Some people may do certain things and get away with it, but the day you do the same thing, it becomes a problem.
Just because you know a lady who sleeps around and is happily married today does not mean you have to do the same thing. Just because you know a man who used to abuse women but is happily married today does not mean you have to go down that path. Sometimes, what could be delaying your marriage may be your character, attitude, dress sense, mannerisms and a whole host of other things. May be the reason some people are put off is that you are too arrogant. It may even be because you have a low self esteem and the likes. I know some may point to others who have these same issues and are happily married; but remember what I said earlier; “we are not all the same.”
Timing is everything
Everything is about timing. Sometimes what people call delay is relative and may not be a delay after all. Don’t live your life trying to compare yourself to other people, and don’t let people around you tell you that your marriage has been delayed just because other people are getting married. Don’t let them make you feel weird just because according to them, “all your mates are getting married.” It is better to marry right than rush in and rush out of marriage. Marriage is not a competition. There is something the bible says in the book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 3, and verse one that everyone must do well to heed. It says that, “to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”
Really the past should remain the past. However it doesn’t always work that way. There are a lot of women and men whose past has come to haunt them. Honestly, there are some things from your past that you have to share with the one you are planning to marry because some people may not be able to handle certain issues when they finally get to know. It is better you reveal certain things from your past so the one you are with can make their decisions based on what they know. I know a true story of a lady who was preparing to get married to a certain man when suddenly, the cousin to this man recognized her as a prostitute he used to hook up with back in their university days. When her husband to be heard the story, he called off the wedding. Rightly or wrongly, you have to understand that people have their values.
Have you realized how busy the whole world has become? Time is really at a premium these days. You would think that with innovations in technology and science people would have more time to spare; but alas, that is not the situation. The world has become so fast paced that people do not even have enough time to socialize to get to know other people. People are constantly on the move that they do not even have enough time for intimacy. There are a lot of career driven and business minded people who live their lives on a schedule and that’s why they find little time to socialize. So, when a man or woman is constantly on the move how do they find time to meet their future husbands and wives?
Technology has been disrupting our lives and will keep disrupting our lives for the foreseeable future. . Our world is not like it used to be because of innovations in technology. Not only is technology disrupting our lives, it is bringing in a new order; an order that many are finding difficult to adjust to. Nowhere is technology’s disruptive influence felt like it is felt in the way we communicate with each other. The major means of communication used to be face to face, and then came the telephone and fax, and now what we have is social media. The proliferation of different social media platforms has literarily moved the world to the cyber space. Young people are spending more of their time interacting on social media than they are spending interacting face to face. On the surface, this may not seem a big deal, but when you scan deeper, you would realize the danger inherent.
As people spend more time on social media, they may gain new skills on how to interact online, but gradually they begin to lose the social interaction skills required for face to face interactions. Someone joked that social media is now making people who are distant close and making people who are close, distant. Compared to face to face interaction, relationships formed on social media are mostly superficial. With people spending more time on social media and becoming less skilled in physical social interactions, how do you expect more people to hook up, get to know each other better and then marry on time?
As societies become more dynamic and intertwined, so also are our values. Look around you and you will find out that values are changing rapidly. What used to be considered as top priority has changed. People used to value family life and every child was raised to put family first, but all that seems to be shifting gradually. Young people are becoming more and more independent minded and starting a family is no longer a top priority for them. Growing up, we were trained with a mindset of getting married and starting your own family, but realities on ground today has changed all that. So, when you have a lot of young people who do not value starting a family that much, how do you expect them to settle on time?
Harsh economic realities
There is a general economic decline globally. Even if people want to get married, the harsh and pervading economic realities are partly checkmating that. There are some people who want to get married but can’t afford to take care of a home, a wife, the wedding; heck, they can’t even afford to take care of themselves. Young people are graduating from schools all over and have no jobs. When they do get jobs, all they get are pittance that they can’t even stretch to the next pay day. There are too many jobless and underemployed young people who cannot afford to get married even when they want to
Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a critical tool for any relationship. Additionally, being able to forgive is a way to keep you healthy both emotionally and physically. In fact, forgiving and letting go may be one of the most important ways to keep your marriage or relationship going strong.
In every relationship there are very likely to be times when our partner will do things to us that we regard as offensive, insensitive to our feelings, or just plain dumb. When that happens, our response is usually predictable. It’s not uncommon to become insulted, hurt, angry, or have other similar reactions to this perceived harm. We use the term perceived here because we want to emphasize the personal nature of how we interpret situations. Not everyone will construe the same words or deeds as hurtful or upsetting; some are thicker skinned or won’t take some offenses personally or seriously. Nor will we always interpret words and deeds in the same way—it can depend on the context. For example, a comment from our partner, such as a joke at our expense, might be ignored or even taken as a joke or could be regarded as an insult in some other situation.
It can be very challenging to forgive someone who has hurt you. However, being able to truly forgive a person for hurting you can help you to feel better and maybe even mend your relationship. Forgiving someone for hurting you has been shown to relieve stress, so you’ll be doing yourself a favor in the process.Learning to forgive someone can be a long and intensive process, but may be a better option then holding a grudge.
Most times the first step is taking a decision to let it go, letting go means you would take steps to purposely not bring it up or use it against your partner.
Because as we rehearse in our minds the episode that’s gotten us upset, we experience all the negative emotions, and perhaps some behavioral outbursts. Yet, the hurt remains because the event can’t be taken back so when that thought comes replace it with a calmer and/or soothing thought, remember times of joy you and your partner shared together, good times , laugher shared together before you know it the anger will slower fizzle away
Holding grudges is a lot of wasted work and destructive to our personal wellbeing, not to mention our relationship. More specifically, such behavior actually runs counter to our own self-interests—when we hold a grudge, we give power to those whom we believe harmed us. We can feel less in control of our lives because we’re focusing inwardly on the hurt and not outwardly on our own lives. In other words, we allow ourselves to be ruled by negative emotions springing from past events.
Here are 4 importance steps to take in forgiving your partner and restoring your relationship.
- LET GO OF YOUR RESENTMENT:
If you resent the person for the harm he or she has caused, then you’ll never be able to move on, both in your own life and in continuing your relationship. Accept that what has been done is done, by saying things like, “I am angry because you broke my trust and I accept that this has happened” and “I accept what has happened and how it made me feel”.
Be opened about the pain and the hurt you feel to your partner or to a confidant, cry if you must cry.Accept what the person has done to you and recognize that you have no control over it. However, you can control how you react to the situation. Recognize your own flaws and possible ways you have hurt people to help you accept the wrongdoing and release your resentment. Everyone makes mistakes, and recognizing your own mistakes will help you understand the mistakes the person who hurt you. Take time to heal, it won’t happen overnight, but once you make up your mind to move past the forgiveness it would happen.
- THINK OF ALL THE GOOD IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Do you enjoy spending time with the person because they are funny or you have intelligent conversations together? Do you make a good team raising your children? Are you sexually satisfied? Do they try their best to provide for you? Arethey generous in giving? Do they take out their timeto be with you? Do they love your family members?
Make a list of all the great things about your platonic or romantic relationship with the person who has hurt you. Assess whether the good outweighs the thing(s) they did to hurt you.Start by noting smaller positive attributes, such as, “they take the trash out” or “they help with the kids after work”, “or they never miss any of your events”then move into bigger positive attributes such as personality or good deeds they do.Perhaps while thinking about the good things images of the betrayal or hurt may flash in your mind, if it those , think of a calming place or do something to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts.
- TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THE SITUATION.
Like they say a problem shared is half solved, if you’re feeling really hurt and upset about what happened, talking to someone else about it can help you gain some valuable perspective and some valuable advice that can help you have a better understanding of the situation, and a stronger sense of how to proceed.
So, Instead of mulling it over on your own or isolating yourself, talk to another person to help you gain some insight and to feel like you’re less alone. Talk to someone you trust and you know would give you the best advice and won’t be bias, please don’t go about talking to too many people you might risk hearing so many opinions that might end up confusing you the more and might even fuel your resentment. You can also get a professional help if you are not sure your friends can help.
- GIVE YOURSELF TIME:
Like they say time heals all,sometimes it’s okay to give yourself space and time to brood over the matter and get over it.don’t take a harsh decision in that point of anger because after a while you might get a new perspective of what happen and by then you would have made matters worse in your relationship. So it’s important to take some time to get space and spend some time on your own.
Additionally, overtime you might gain perspective on the situation. For example, in the moment certain words said by your partner or friend may have seemed especially hurtful, yet overtime, thinking them over, you might understand why they said the hurtful thing.
While you give yourself time and maybe take a break or space from your partner please also keep communication open between you and your partner even if it is a little don’t shut your partner out totally. If they are making effort to communicate and work things out, give them some room to and a chance to work things out. This would likely speed your healing process and restore your relationship back.
You have to understand that men are not all the same and that there are basically three types of men and no man can be all of the three types at the same time, if that were possible then he would be a perfect man and like we all know there is no perfect man.
By the time a girl comes of age, and is ready to be in a serious relationship or even marry she has developed a composite image of what her husband ought to be like .she has imagined a perfect man with perfect character, perfect looks, no flaws and super human. The men she has known and the characters in books and movies provide each woman with a concept of the perfect man.
Too bad for the guys, this preconceived idea makes it hard for the guys .Men are never perfect- far from it. Even if a Lady prays and fast so hard, work so hard, or give all the advice she knows. She would come to realize no man is perfect, so he can’t be perfect.
When a lady finds herself in a relationship or permanently wed to a man who is not like she thinks he ought to me, or not like she has imagined him to be, rather than adapt to him, discover his uniqueness, love and cherish him, she usually spend the rest of her marriage or relationship (which many not be very long) trying to change him into what she thinks he ought to be.
Ladies, Men are not alike, he isn’t going to be like your father, or behave like your brothers, and he isn’t going to talk like you ex or that man in your favorite American or even Korean movie. No man is a perfect balance if he were he would even be too perfect to need you.
So now let’s review the types of men we have. At the end of this post, theme would probably know where they fall under and ladies would know where their man falls under.
- MR COMMAND
Like the name implies, it means to be in control. Very few men are born with more than their share of dominance and on the surface a deficit of gentleness. They are often in positions that command other men. I called them command men. They are born leaders; they are often chosen by others men to be military commanders, politicians, preachers, and head of cooperation.
They are dominant in nature, they are known to expect their women to wait on them hand and foot, they usually don’t want their women involve in project that prevents her for having their time. They are strong, bossy, and headstrong. They have less tolerance, and are less vulnerable as are other men in sharing their personal feelings or vocation. They seem sufficient unto themselves.
For instance, a command man will not take out the trash out, and might not clean up the mess at the trash area but he may organize and command someone else to do it. So, ladies don’t waste your time and energy trying to make him become a nice trash man, although with time he might be able to do that because you have earned a place in his heart and kingdom.
A king wants a queen which is why a command man wants a faithful wife to share his fame and glory. His duty and responsibilities is to lead people, so he does that whether they think they want him to lead or not.
Perhaps you are married to a man like this, or in a relationship with one or perhaps if might likely end up with a command man, it is very important for you to learn how to make an appeal without challenging his authority. You have to learn how to earn a place in his heart by proving you will stand by him, be faithful, loyal and obedient. You have to learn early to enjoy the benefits of taking a second seat, and not taking offense to his headstrong aggressiveness. if you are able to do all that you will be the of sitting at his right Side, being honored, pampered, adored and exalted .You will be his closest and sometimes his only confident.
Over the years, a command man can become more yielding and gentle. If his lady resists control, he will readily move forward without her. If he is a bad person he has a tendency of becoming abusive, if he is a principled person he would remain stubbornly in command. Because, his basic needs are to be treated with honor, reverence and obedience and once they are met, he would be wonderfully protective and supportive. He would make sure his woman is safe and everything around her is in control and comfortable for her.
- Mr. Visionary
They are dreamers, changers. They are consumed with the need to communicate with words, music, writings, voice, arts or actions. They love confrontation and hate status quo. They are men who keep the rest of the world from getting boring or stagnant.
Mr. Visionary can easily pick up and relocate without any idea of what they are going to do for a living at their new location.
Let me give you a shocker which is 80% true, if you are in a relationship or married to a Mr. visionary expect to be rich or poor, rarely middle class because he may invest everything in a chance and lose it all or make a fortune, but he will not do well working a 8 to 5 job in the same place for 30years and then retire to a good life. if he works a regular job expect him to work 75 hours a week, more than expected and love every minute of it or he may either not show up half the time.
He may wake up one morning and decides he wants to sell his car to start a business that sounds all good in his ears only for him to discover It wasn’t such a great idea although sometimes the business might end up becoming so much wonderful than everyone thought it would.
For instance Thomas Edison was a “Mr. Visionary” he became great after his 999th failure to make a light bulb. Mr. Visionary may never be rich but they would be rich in experience which is also a good thing. They are not afraid to fail, to experiment, to live life to the fullest and to try out new things. If a lady is going to end up with Mr.Visionary or she is with one now. She has to learn to enjoy the trip, learn to be flexible and learn how to always be loyal to her man.
She has to Listen to his ideas even the ones she thinks are dumb, don’t even try to remind him of his failed attempts because that won’t change him rather he would share his dumb ideas with someone else. She has to Let him burn out on things that are not wise but don’t throw water on his fire. Let him find his own balance through bumping into hard realistic.
Don’t get easily offended, be willingly to follow him with joyful participation and soon she would be amazed at how much happier and fun her life would be, life will become like an adventure and she would even feel sorry for other ladies with the stick in the mud type of man
- Mr. Steady
Like the name implies firmly fixed, faithful. They are the stick in the mud type. The steady man does not make snap decision or spend his last dime on new ideas. They are hardly in leadership position because being a leader means you have to take snappy decisions sometimes.
They do not even try to tell people what to do, they avoid controversy. They aren’t the type to invent the light bulb like the Mr. Visionary, but they will be the one to build the factory and maintain it. They won’t jump in front of a train or catch a grenade like Mr. Command.
Mr. Steady man is always faithful, he can be boring doing the same routine over again, being with Mr. Steady has its reward and its trials. He won’t put his woman under undue pressure, he does not expect his woman to be his servant, and his woman rarely feels hurried, pushed, pressured. He is wonderful to those who are hurt, sick or dying. He seems to have the perfect words. He is likely to take the trash out, cook dinner for her always and even do a lot of chores without complaining.
A steady man thrust into a command man position will be stressed and in the end unsuccessful. He is not meant to lead but support.
He is always available for people, people always need him. if a lady is dating, or married to Mr. steady she begins to Wonder if she will ever have him to herself, the answer is no! When there is a free time, she just has to make sure take a vacation and perhaps leave the cell phone at home.
The trial a lady involve with a Mr. steady and cautious might face, especially she has a bit of impatient romance in her ,is that she may not see his worth and readily honor him. She may be discontent because he is slow and cautious to take authority or make quick decision. A bossy Lady will see her man’s lack of hasty judgment and feels he is just too slow and boring. There is no rush and excitement and she seldom wish he would just make up his mind. He just seems to let people use him. There are times she would wish he would boldly tell you what to do so she won’t have to carry the burden of decision making. He might confuse her unhappiness and try to serve her more which may even increase her lack of respect for his masculinity.
For a lady to enjoy her relationship with Mr. Steady she must be appreciative of him and joyfully realize what a Friend, lover and companion he is and be appreciative both verbally and actively. She must stop trying to turn him to Mr. Command or Mr. Visionary, when she stops trying he would grow.
In conclusion, Most may not be 100% one type of man; they may have a bit of the other but be dominant in one. So enjoy your man’s uniqueness and quit trying to change him.
Watch this page for our next article. Visit our Instagram page to get alert on new articles, tips, on our website.